My Proposed Solution (or, "Why They'll Never Let Me Write Spider-Man") Part 2

I have been contracted by the General Conference to write about forty skits and plays that they are going to post on their website free for download. If you need, say, a skit that explains the relationship the Holy Spirit has to the Trinity, you'll be able to go to that website, and a couple of clicks later you'll have a script written by moi sitting on your desktop.

I give you this little backstory so that you'll understand why I've been writing a script a day. Most of them are pretty short, less than 10 pages, but it's still a challenge to come up with something new and interesting every day. As a result of this forced creativity, I'm having all these other peripheral ideas. I'm writing most of them down and hope to revisit each of them some day.

One such idea (which will never be used) was a new ending to One More Day. Imagine if this is the way it played out:

May is shot. Doctors don't know what they can do for her. Try as they might, they just can't save her. The damge is too vast and her body is too old. Spidey swings off, desperate for help. He doesn't care who has to provide the help, he just wants to save his dear old Aunt May. So he goes to everyone, hero and villain alike. Everyone reviews the case, but in turn, each of them shake their head and apologize. There is nothing that can be done.

Doctor Strange, who had bent time and space for Peter, that he might travel to each person quicker tells Peter, "it seems the universe is set in its way. Sometimes, to keep the balance, death is required." This sparks an idea in Peter. "A death?" He repeats. "Could it be someone else?"

The next issue begins with "one last day" between Peter and MJ. They're melancholy. They laugh, they love, they revisit all their favorite memories. Finally Peter kisses her "good-bye." Doctor Strange opens a time portal. Through it, Spider-Man can see the hotel room from last week. He knows where the sniper is. He waits as long as he can, and just as his Spider-sense starts tingling, he leaps through the portal.

Spider-Man crashes into Peter Parker, shoving him in the way of the bullet. MJ screams. Spider-Man falls to the floor, turns around, and sees Peter falling onto the floor, a bloody mess. Under his mask, he smiles, "it worked!" And then he fades from existence.

Between One More Day and Brand New Day we have an interlude: The Funeral of Peter Parker. It's a beautiful book in which all the heroes (and even a few surprise villains) show up to bade Peter good-bye. J Jonah Jameson even stands up and says, "he was the best damn photographer I had." Everyone you would want to be there, is there. Afterwards, MJ and Aunt May climb into a car and are driven home (would that be Stark Tower at this point? I honestly can't remember).

They find Peter there, in his Spider-Man suit, mask off. MJ looks at him and smiles. "So what's a world without Peter Parker going to be like?"

In Brand New Day, we pick up the adventures of Spider-Man. We discover that because of his heightened abilities, the gun shot wound didn't hurt him nearly as bad as it would have Aunt Many. A lucky side-effect no-one was counting on (though that won't be able to be said straight-out, as this Peter will have no memory of One More Day).

With Peter out of the picture, the Parkers now have to rely on MJ's workload to pay for their bills. This could be a new and exciting way to make her character more relevant to the story.

Peter refuses to show or tell anyone his identity. It's the only way he can protect MJ and May. With Peter "dead," no villains have any reason to target the Parker girls. This, however, does lead to a lot of distrust amongst the heroes. They don't know who this Spider-Impostor is and they think it's real disrespectful what he's doing. So this puts Spidey on the outs with everyone.

That's just the starting point. Countless stories could spin out of this set-up and would give Spider-Man a real interesting identity among comic book heroes. He would be the only one (that I can think of) that wouldn't have a dual identity. He'd be just Spider-Man.

But at this point, we would need a Delorean to pull this off.

Cognitive Dissonance

On the SuperHeroHype! boards (and every comic book store/comic con in America), there has been an on-going debate over Spider-Man's Brand New Day. Specifically, there has been an examination of the stories. We, the readers, have been trying to figure out why the stories we've been reading post-One More Day couldn't have been told with a married Peter Parker. Obviously, one of the directions the conversation has gone is over whether these stories are any good or not. Are people enjoying them, that sort of thing.

It was this path that led me reliaze that within me, and much of the comic book fan world, there is a very strong cognitive dissonance taking place.

Generally speaking, we like the stories. JMS' run on Amazing Spider-Man was one of drama. And while I enjoyed the drama, the more light-hearted stories we've been given has been a nice change of pace. However (and this is where the cognitive dissonance takes place), most of us are still befuddled as to why a Mephisto-ordained divorice had to take place to get us where we are today.

If it was just a change in tone that was required, why not just tell the Spidey brain trust "hey, let's keep things light for a while?" If Harry's ressurrection was going to be Goblin formula based and not Mephisto borne, why not just tell that story? If the concern was to return Spidey's secret identity to him, why not just tell that story? It seems like there's a lot of stories that could have taken the place of One More Day and accomplished the same result -- but would have let us keep MJ.

Scratch That

Why should I have to give up my hero? If I and thousands like me are willing to pay money to read a book that follows a maturing superhero, should we not be able to have that? I understand that Spider-Man is Marvel's property and they can do whatever they want, but shouldn't they also do what we want, as we're the ones employing them (essentially)?

If you want a more light-hearted Spider-Man, hire writers to write a light-hearted Spider-Man. Don't give Mephisto continuity-altering abilities that "allows you" to write the kind of Spider-Man you want to write about. Because, aside from the Betty Brant issue, all of these stories could have been told with MJ.

And let's be honest. The Betty Brant issue was really good. But good enough to throw Peter and MJ's marriage away for? Not by a long shot.

So man up, Marvel. Accept and embrace your characters' continuity and tell better stories! You know why all us fanboys loved Green Arrow's ressurection? It's not because we were all missing Green Arrow. It's because his ressurrection was the most continuity-embracing ressurection we'd ever read. He wasn't brought back with a spell or some reality-shaping witch. He was brought back in such a specific way we all collectively pulled a Keanu and went, "whoa." You could be doing the same thing -- instead of this "Brand New Day" crap that has left us all going, "what is going on?"

And not in a good, Usual Suspects sort of way; in a do-they-have-a-clue-what-they're-doing Phantom Menace sort of way.

Revelations

You know what? I get it. I do. My revelation came Thursday night, January 22, 2009. It was a revelation I was not expecting and it came from a source I was not expecting either. Who would have thought George Lucas would help me see the light?

I've been a long-time defender of the Prequel Trilogy. Yes, I am aware that all my dork cred was just sliced in twain by Exar Kun's double-bladed lightsaber*. My defense has (and will continue to be) that George Lucas makes movies for twelve year-old boys. When were twelve, there wasn't anything cooler than Star Wars. But now we're all growed up. And it's not that Lucas is failing to grow up with us. It's that his target demographic is now younger than us. We of the older generation need to step aside and let the twelve year-olds enjoy their movies (that being said, what if Episode II was Episode I, Episode II was The Clone Wars, and Episode III remained Episode III? There's a kick-@$$ Prequel Trilogy for ya').

Sorry. Back to Spider-Man.

So on Thursday, January 22, 2009, I heard myself saying exactly the same thing about the latest Indiana Jones movie. And that's when it dawned on me: If this is true of Star Wars and Indiana Jones -- why is it not true for Spider-Man?

Who am I to demand that the character grows up with me? Why should we age together? Why should he have to assume the same responsibilities I do? Comics belong in the hands of children. Well, most mainstream comics do.

So, Quesada/Marvel/Mephisto, I get it. I'm too old for Spider-Man. Spider-Man belongs to the twelve year-olds and you're just trying to get him back there. I just wish you had used other means to get him there. Because I've said it before and I'll keep saying it: The deal with the devil sucks.

I wish you would have just come out and said, "hey, Spider-Man's been great, but we want to take him back to his roots. So we're going to tie off all the loose ends, write one last story, and then start over." Not this "let's keep it all in continuity by throwing out twenty years of continuity so we can attract younger readers while keeping all the readers we've cultivated since 1962."

We could let Spider-Man be Spider-Man and, occassionally, maybe once a year, someone could have written a little one-shot or miniseries that explored the on-going life of the 616's Spider-Man.

So, just to let you know, I get it. I'm a man-child who needs to let his hero go. I just wish you could have let me know a little more respectfully.

* But surely that reference does a little to redeem myself? Right? Right?

Stan-tastic!

It's hard to be sarcastic and cynical towards Stan Lee. I mean the man practically created the entire Marvel universe. And while I do wish he had a little more backbone and stood up for his characters, I do have to respect the guy.

His newspaper strip is taking the Brand New Day approach, it seems. Though he seems to be just starting over, by-passing the whole deal-with-the-devil thing.

Which, honestly, I like better. It doesn't sully the character in any way. It just lets the writer tell the stories he wants. The more this unfolds, the more I wish Marvel had just done that.

I wish they had told one last big epic story that tied off the entire Spider-Man run. Then, took a few months off to get their crap together. Then come back, with Peter Parker the lowly college or high school student. They could keep their flagship character and we wouldn't have to deal with all this Satanic alternate reality crap.

Here's hoping there's a happy ending in this for Peter somewhere.

Say It Ain't So, Stan!

Stan Lee, the creator of Spider-Man and the one solely responsible for the Peter and Mary Jane marriage, seems to have gotten on board with this Brand New Day Marvel is forcing down our throats.

I'm not sure what newspapers carry it (mine doesn't), but Stan Lee and his brother have been publishing a daily Spider-Man comic strip for what I can only guess to be decades. Well, starting today, January 1st, 2009, Peter Parker is no longer the man he grew up to be. Nor the husband. Instead he's a college boy, living with Aunt May. Again.

I Called It!

Almost exactly three months ago, I called it.

I said the only (real) plausible way for Harry to have come back from the dead was to have him healed by the same Gobline serum that saved Norman oh-so-many years ago.

I thought me being able to call it from so long ago would actually make it not happen. I mean, yes, I knew Harry was back. But I thought Marvel writers were cleverer than me. I thought by saying "goblin formula regeneration" that would force Marvel to say "Thanos" or "Mephisto" or "Ben Reilly."

But no. The answer actually was goblin formula.

And the truth of it is that it actually doesn't bother me.

Sure, I like Harry better dead. I think his character has served its purpose and bringing him back now is just to tug on the ol' nostalgic heartstrings of comic book readers older than 30 (you know, people who remember him before he became a drug addict). I also think this is the final nail in the coffin of The Osborn Tragedy. Bringing him back now doesn't seem anyway to revitalize the books, especially since his return demands a divorice or an anullment or . . . some marriage thing that Marvel usually just hocus-pocuses away.

Also, I like continuity. I've been waiting for this moment ever since Peter Parker: Spider-Man #75, in which Norman revealed that as soon as he was impaled by his glider, the goblin formula began healing his body. Thus his death was only his "apparent death." This obviously opened a revolving door in the lobby of Those Killed While on Goblin Formula (paging Doctor Hamilton -- Doctor Hamilton, you're wanted in the lobby).

Harry's return was only a matter of time. Especially with the Spider-movies doing so well and with Harry being such a loved character in those movies. Why not cash in on that? But now the timing's all wrong.

I would have rather had Harry come back a couple of years ago, maybe just before Spider-Man 2 came out. Sure, it would have looked like a cheap cash-in on the movie, but I'd prefer that over this. Because now, it just looks like they're trying to sweep Mephisto and his marriage-ending schemes under the rug.

Let's not forget it was within just a handful of pages from Mephisto splitting the Parkers up (and destroying years of Spider-continuity) that it was revealed Harry was alive as well. And do you remember Marvel's mantra at the time?

"When you make a deal with the devil, you get what you want, but you also get something you don't want. Peter and Mary Jane saved Aunt May -- but now Harry's back. What's that going to mean?"

The Spider-books are stained. They're tainted. And my Lady MacBeth-like wringing of my hands isn't getting it out.

The Problem With MJ

As I continue to wrap my mind around the concept of "a single Spider-Man is superior to a married one," I've tried to put myself in the writers' shoes. What would it be like to write the current Spider-Man? What would it have been like three years ago (pre-OMD)? What would it have been like in the very beginning? And I've realized something.

Mary Jane doesn't lend herself to the Spider-stories the way, say, Lois Lane can compliment the Superman stories.

In the Superman books, it's not uncommon for Lois and Clark/Superman to be fighting the same fight. While Supes takes on the giant robot/alien/Lex Luthor, Lois is on the ground, using her investigative journalism to expose said robot/alien/Lex Luthor plot to the world. Her job and her character go hand-in-hand with action stories. And honestly, her character lends itself well to a wide range of story types. You could put her investigation into the heart of a thriller, a horror, a sci-fi, a comedy, a drama, or an adventure story and it wouldn't be a stretch at all.

Then there's MJ.

You can tell she was created to be a supporting character. She was created to be part of Peter's life for a time and then, in all likelihood, leave. Or marry Flash or . . . Harry or . . . The Spot.

She originally showed up as a party girl. Someone who got bored when the situation became serious. She was there, really, to be a sexy counterpoint to Gwen -- who was a more natural fit to Spider-Man, Peter Parker and the whole universe. MJ went on to become an actress and a model and then (in the hands of Todd McFarlane, I believe), she became a supermodel. Not only was she quickly becoming someone readers couldn't relate to, she was becoming harder and harder to fit into the typical superhero-fights-supervillain stories that are comic books. Despite sharing more and more of the spotlight with Peter, she was still a supporting character. Because that's who or what she was created to be.

When Gwen died, though, everything changed. Some have argued that comic books everywhere changed forever. I can't testify to that, but I can say that the Spider-books definitely changed forever. Because it was then that Mary Jane stepped up and began to show some real character. When Peter was mourning the loss of their friend (his girlfriend), it was MJ that stuck around and tried to comfort him -- something that had never happened before. Thus began her journey towards becoming something bigger and something better.

She grew, but perhaps not in the way she should have. To be incoperated into the story more, she needed to find an occupation that would put her in harm's way more often and more naturally. And I'm not saying "so Spider-Man can rescue her" but so that she could carry her own. But instead of becoming a reporter or an activist or a politician, she became a supermodel. I would argue that was the first nail in her coffin (so to speak). But how do you incoperate a character like that into your story without grinding it to a hault? You have Spidey over here, swinging through the city, and then you flash back to MJ, who's on set or at some photo shoot.

I can understand the writers' frustration.

Because, as Peter's wife, you want to give her the best you can. You don't want to relegate the wife as the person Peter comes back to and whines at every night. In 2008 and beyond, you don't want to relegate her to Susy Homemaker. You want her pro-active. So I can understand the frustration. This seems like the constant problem you have in superhero books. How do you give your hero a partner that both fits your hero and the world he lives in? Looking back over the loves of Peter's life, none of them (with the exception of Black Cat) have really fit into the super-heroic world. Betty Brant might have, but people would have called her a Lois Lane knock-off (Black Cat is already seen as a Catwoman knock-off).

However.

This whole situtation reminds me of high school. I used to come home and complain about my teachers. When my grades would come in, and my parents would see a row of C's, they'd ask me why I wasn't doing better. I'd often blame my teachers, saying they weren't interesting or they were unfair or they just weren't challenging me. My dad's response was always the same: A good student will rise above a poor teacher.

A good writer will rise above a poor set-up. A good writer would make it work. A good writer would find a way to spin the story in a new and exciting direction that was also a natural one. While Brand New Day might seem exciting and new, it's not natural. It's an abrupt 180 degree turn.

Even acknowledging MJ's faults, this is still poor and sloppy story-telling.

But I guess I really shouldn't expect more from a comic book. Despite the leaps and bounds of growth we've seen over the years, it's still a medium that depends on sensationalism.

Totally Plausible?!

Marvel's feeling the backlash to Brand New Day. Check out this solicit for Amazing Spider-Man #581 (due out in December).

"The Trouble with Harry" (or "Harry Osborn and the Chamber of Secrets")

It would sure help HARRY OSBORN if he could remember the completely logical, non-magical, and totally plausible way he came back from the dead. A skill like that could be useful, now that his ex-brother-in-law, THE MOLTEN MAN, is out to kill him! Set your spider-sense to tingling as some of the most requested secrets from the time between ONE MORE DAY and BRAND NEW DAY are revealed.

Which says, really, just one thing:

Mephisto brought Harry back to life. But realizing that readers detest this idea on the level of Greedo shooting first (have I used that analogy already?), they've had to do some circular thinking to try to create a new way to bring Harry back, as if to say, "we always intended to do this."

Who wants to bet they somehow blame MJ for this? Like, the only thing that could have saved Harry was MJ not marrying Peter?

EDIT (9/24/08):

There's really only two "totally plausible" scenarios here:

1.) Harry was saved by the same Goblin-healing formula that saved his father.

2.) Harry is, in fact, a Skrull. As far as I'm aware, the Spider-Man universe has largely (compeltely?) been untouched by Secret Invasion. So this would kind of make sense for Marvel to do -- and the nice thing is, it's something they could have done with or without One More Day.

And, yes, they could have gone with Option #1 without One More Day, but Harry was "dead" for so long that it just wouldn't make that much sense.

I (we) Are Not Alone!

Wizard Magazine conducted a poll to see how people felt about the current state of the Spider-comics. The results of that poll were published in Issue #204, and I found this thread at SHH! that discusses the poll and its results.

As soon as I can find a direct link to Wizard's findings, I'll post it here.

It's nice to know I'm not alone in the world.

:)

My Proposed Solution (or, "Why They'll Never Let Me Write Spider-Man")

It's a belief of mine that unless you have a better idea, you shouldn't complain. So, here's me proving my right to complain.

Maybe it's because I'm a Christian or maybe it's because I hate lazy story-telling, but I cannot endorse and/or respect the Mephisto-created reality Peter Parker now finds himself living in.

The fact that the powers-that-be thought it would be okay for our hero (you know, the one the kids are supposed to look up to) to turn to the devil for salvation boggles the mind. Granted, they gave him three issues to wander the Marvel universe, asking every character every fan would ask, "why didn't he go see him" to help him save his dying aunt. Each of these characters, in so many words, said, "sorry, Spidey, you're out of luck."

The only character he didn't ask for help was Wolverine. And as a fan of Logan, one has to wonder what a blood transfusion from Wolverine would do for a gunshot victim. Instant healing? Immortality?

Sorry. I won't get distracted with the list of powerful demigods that populate the Marvel Universe who have survived and/or treated wounds far worse than a gunshot to the stomach.

Especially since the point of the story was not to show what extent Peter will go to save his aunt; the entire story (and much of the year leading up to it) was about divorcing Peter and MJ without using the word "divorce."

It's at this time I should go on the record saying I'm generally against retcons. I'm okay with looking back on a moment and saying, "but did you know why that happened," and then adding a little back story. But I believe writers should embrace the history of the characters, not seek out ways to change it because they have a story they want to tell that doesn't fit into the current continuity. Change the present and the future, not the past.

So it doesn't do us much good to cry over spilled milk. Now that Peter and MJ's deal with the devil is part of the Spider-mythos, I think it needs to stay there. But it cannot be treated as the solution to the problem. It needs to be viewed as the catalyst to a bigger, larger story/problem. And in the unlikely event that Marvel hires me on to write that story, this is what I would do:

1.) Begin the story with some minor fight. During that fight (maybe with Shocker or Electro), something happens. A little glitch (like the deja vu in "The Matrix"). Something that makes Peter go, "what the?!"

2.) Expose the fabric of this new reality. I would reveal that Mephisto, as much as he wishes it were not so, is no God. His creation, this world Peter is living in, begins to deteriorate. He is not a creator, he is a destroyer. And so this creation was doomed to fail.

3.) As Peter begins slips into madness, the *REAL* creator shows up. While I think it can be done, I don't think a Spider-Man book is the best place for a theological discussion. So while this creator is God of the Marvel universe, I would make him vague enough that he could be any religion's creator. He's not specifically the Hebrew or the Christian or the Muslim God -- or a Hindu god. He's simply the creator of the Marvel Universe. If you had to assign him to a religion or a mythology, the first I'd go to is the Norse mythology, since it already has such a prominence in Marvel comics. For laughs and giggles, he could look and talk like Stan Lee.

Though, it's probably worth noting that Jesus himself has made an appearance in comics before (back in '74). He once showed up in a Ghost Rider comic (Ghost Rider #9) to protect Johnny Blaze from Satan.

4.) The Creator explains to Peter what has happened. He tells Peter how they (Peter and MJ) were forced to make this decision. Peter is sick and distressed. The creator tells him that something must be done, or this new reality is going to implode on itself and could very well take the entire Marvel universe with it. If Peter is willing to let him, the creator "can fix all this."

5.) "What does that mean?" Peter asks. The creator explains he can wipe this new reality away and restore it to its former glory. But for the creator to do that, Peter has to except that things are going to have to change. Some things will change for the better, some things will change for the worse -- though, ultimately, everything will be for the better as existence will no longer be threatened.

6.) Peter will be married to MJ again. Peter will regain friends in Matt Murdock, the Fantastic Four, and Logan. Peter will lose his friend Harry Osborn (again). But . . . this is the hard part for Peter . . . he's going to lose Aunt May. She was supposed to die. It was her time. Mephisto has granted her a life that was not his to grant. She's lived a long, full life. It's time for Peter to finally say "good-bye" to her. Death is only a part of life.

7.) Mephisto appears and tries to argue with the creator. He tries to persuade Peter. There's a battle between the creator and Mephisto, but it all comes down to a "shoulder angel moment" in which Peter has to decide. It's no decision at all, really.

8.) Peter agrees to the creator's proposal and "Brand New Day" becomes a strange moment in Peter's past in which he got to live a "what if" moment. The creator thanks Peter and encourages him to take more responsibility for his actions. He reminds him that "not all stories have happy endings. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Taking responsibility for your actions doesn't mean you should blame yourself. You need to learn to forgive yourself."

I don't personally think it's a solution a lot of people would be happy with, but I do think it's the solution that needs to happen. Because this "solution" that Marvel has presented us with is a cheap cop-out for both the writers and the characters.

It's a slap in the face to us long-time readers. We love and respect these characters. But the powers-that-be don't love and respect the readers enough if they can completely rewrite Spider-Man's history in four single issues. We deserve better than that.

So that's my proposed solution. Restore the Marvel continuity, make Mephisto pay for what he's done, and then let the characters grow and evolve naturally.